Are you keeping people out?

In relationships, all of us have a part of our self that we attempt to protect. For some, the process of growing in relationship means addressing those walls and removing them. Choosing to trust and allow vulnerability. On the other hand, for others a wall seems a necessity and they work to build it up as fast as possible. A wall gives the feeling of protecting identity. If someone cannot see the real you, then they cannot reject you. A wall gives the sense of control. By controlling people’s behavior and what is acceptable in relationship, you feel like the one in charge. A wall gives the illusion of effort. Because you are working hard to maintain your wall, it feels like working on the relationship. A wall gives an excuse. When another person gets tired of trying to break through your wall, you can then blame them for the failure of the relationship. Problem is, not only do walls protect from what’s outside, they trap you on the inside. They steal your freedom. Those you present your wall to are not responding to you, but to your facade. That does not change the feeling of rejection. It is lonely within your borders because your true self will not feel loved. How are you keeping people out? Is it a compulsion? An issue of performance? Fault finding? Something else entirely? Taking down a wall required developing awareness of identity and the lies you are believing. Some of the bricks will be easy and some painful. Because of the lies, your wall is built upon sand, that is why it...

A Partner for Change

When beginning a coaching relationship with someone, the first question I ask is “do you have the will to change the system?”. This question can be in reference to any facet of change, including: leadership culture church systems relational systems personal development spiritual development Desire to change is one thing, having the will to change is entirely another. (click here to tweet that) Change is difficult. Changing successfully and maintaining involves developing new habits, responses, and ways of thinking and observing. This will feel unnatural at first and needs to be approached intentionally and mindfully. Change is often slow. Or at least the pace of change is not linear. The results that are desired in any of the above arenas will not be instantaneous and will be filled with set-backs and learning moments. It takes time, often many months before the system will accept and embrace change. The important thing is to intentionally take one step at a time. Change is met with resistance. It may be personal resistance as the change feels new and uncomfortable. We will long for results and be tempted to turn back. Or the resistance may be from the system that is being change. Others involved will take time to learn and respond to the new patterns. Change is painful. If it wasn’t, we would not be frustrated with it. Desiring some change is itself a response to pain, discomfort or dysfunction. Often though, we second guess because of the pain involved and this can erode our diligence. The good news is that the pain is only temporary. Change is necessary for health. Human beings are not static creatures, nor are...

Gain Perspective. Live Well.

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