Justifying a Diminished Masculinity

Men justify the diminishment of their masculinity by their wives by throwing out excuses like “but she’s a good mom” as if that is a fair trade off for being relegated to the back seat of the marriage relationship. I was actually struck by the number of responses from guys who saw themselves in that blog. One friend of mine challenged that a man cannot have his masculinity diminished unless he allows it. That is a true statement that leads to a deeper question – why? Why do men allow it? Why does the road of passivity seem like the attractive option when it causes so much internal damage? Here are some of the reasons that a man will take the road of “gutting it out” in a relationship and justify being diminished. Culture is saying, louder and louder, that the desires a man has are wrong. His desire to lead is chauvinistic. His desire to provide subjugates a woman. His desire for sex is self-serving and perverse (an ironic contradiction is if the man was single, his sexual desire is seen as a strength). He tells himself that if he just performed better as a husband then there would be no issues. So, being dismissed is really his own failure to please his wife. Many men feel that their own needs are less important than other concerns. This scarcity mindset says that emotional or physical energy in the relationship directed at them would leave a deficit elsewhere. This is simply pride. Because much of masculinity is learned. A man will repeat generational patterns and may not understand what...

But She’s a Good Mom

I have been having a lot of conversations with guys lately and these talks often turn to marriage. There seems to be a common them to the marital relationships of many of the guys I talk to. The are just gutting it out. Doing what is right, yet not connecting with their wives. Afraid to voice their dissatisfaction. All the while, spinning their wheels trying to please their princess. Despite trying to maintain the appearances of having it all together and weathering the storm, these men are stewing internally. It is hard for them to understand how they can be seemingly discarded and disrespected. When asked what prohibits them from taking a stand and setting a bottom line of what is acceptable behavior between spouses, the response is fear. Fear that they are getting what they deserve. Fear that this woman who once loved them will leave. But the fear and insecurity is often deflected by saying something like – “It’s not all bad, she’s a good mom.” As if good mothering skills is a justified trade-off for being tread on by your wife. But, this is a statement that is also worth challenging. What lesson does a son learn by observing a woman who diminishes the man she’s married? What is he learning about how his future wife should treat him? If this is what “love” looks like in the home he grows up in, it is likely that is what he will seek out in his own. What lesson is a daughter learning about what it means to be a wife? Does it help this girl develop...

Gain Perspective. Live Well.

Close
loading...